I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
