I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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