We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
