I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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