I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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