Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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