That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
