The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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