As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
