Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
