Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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