my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize