Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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