I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
