so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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