What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
