Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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