I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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