I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
