He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
