Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
