Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
