two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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