I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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