We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize