I swear she didn't look like that last week.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
