According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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