break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
