totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
