my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Randomize
