Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
