how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who died my cat blue again?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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