dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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