If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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