it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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