I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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