hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize