Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
