Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
