omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
