Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
