Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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