i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
vagina is talking i cant
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
