I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
