Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Couch. On fire.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
