you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
