When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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