WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize