you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
