She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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