So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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