the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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