dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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