i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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