I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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