tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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