Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
