She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
