You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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