I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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