So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
